The Problem with Anxiety

The Problem with Anxiety

is that they never know what to say

One day they’ll be there for you

and the next they’ll go away.

The Problem with Anxiety

is that it’s happy, sad, and kind

it manifests in every emotion

making it hard for others to find.

The Problem with Anxiety

is that it takes your life away

it drowns you in your sadness

and makes you fade away.

The Problem with Anxiety

is feeling like you can’t breathe

it’s drowning in every emotion

when it’s just calmness that you need.

The problem with anxiety

is that it takes your joy away

one minute you’re perfectly fine

the next, it swallows up your whole day.

The Problem with Anxiety

is that the doctors turn you down

they tell you your palpitations, unsteady breathing, pain, discomfort

is all due to your frown.

The Problem with Anxiety

is that when you need people the most

you’ll push them so far away

that they’ll all eventually ghost.

The Problem with Anxiety

is that there’s really no problem at all

it’s the perspective of outsiders, deniers and misunderstanders,

that allow you to keep suffering and fall.

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I have had a form of anxiety since as long as I can remember, but the past four years it has overwhelmed my life. I am at the point now where it is managed okay, but some days are worse than others.

Unfortunately for me, it comes in different forms, and becomes worse when my fiance is away. I depend on him emotionally, and maybe that isn’t a great thing, but he has been by my side through some of the most difficult times in my life, and is really the only person I have who understands my anxiety fully. He has loved me through every step and helped me get the help I needed when I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten. So when I am alone, and feel alone, my anxiety begins to swallow me whole.

I used to have days, weeks, months where I couldn’t leave my home due to the fear of something happening to me. I was having chronic chest pain, stomach pain, and both of those were pushed aside due to the fact that I had anxiety. All doctors, ER, urgent cares… they all told me that these pains were from anxiety because all of their other “tests” were inconclusive or negative. I finally pushed and pushed until I found a doctor who believed me. One who saw the pain in my eyes and my inability to drive myself five minutes to her appointment, and she began to help me get my life back together.

The year or so before this, was my complete downfall. When I say I was in pieces… I was in pieces. And nobody knew besides my fiance. I stopped talking to people, stopped responding. My chronic chest and stomach pain made me feel trapped, swallowed. I was terrified there was something going on with my heart, even though I had gone to the ER over 10 times and was repeatedly told that I was fine. I began not leaving my house. I began not cooking. I began not driving anywhere. I began not showering…. I was stuck. I was stuck in my bed, confined to my bedroom. I would watch the same 5 TV shows over and over and over again. I would put on the same Top Gear special because it was familiar. I did the same thing day in and day out. James would make me tea, get me water, bring me breakfast and lunch before he left for work, and I’d be there, in bed, when he returned. I’d cry, I’d scream, I’d panic. I’d call him and beg him to come home and refuse for him to leave the house because I was in pain and terrified and didn’t know what to do and thought I was going to die from a heart attack.

This all may sound silly to you, but I was in real chronic pain, which turns out to be chostochindritis, an inflammation of my chest wall, but nobody knew how to help me, and nobody gave me medications or a solution, until I found this doctor.

She began by giving me Zoloft, which was a gift from God. No, seriously. It took a few weeks but over time I began making changes. I started to shower every day. I started to cook. I started to grocery shop and venture out to my appointments by myself. I’ll never forget my first appointment I drove myself to… She looked at me and said ” wait, where’s James today?” as he usually drove me. I smiled and said, just me I drove here, and I’ve never seen another human so pumped for me that I was mentally able to get out of my house myself. The zoloft has helped me grow and become a better person over the last 2 years, but to say I don’t have flaws, days of depression, days where I fall back into that pattern- I’d be lying to you.

I will always have depression and anxiety. It will always be something I have to work and focus on. My anxiety is health driven. I freak out and don’t know how to function when I am sick, in pain, experiencing symptoms that scare me to my core. So through this bariatric process I have had a few waves of scary anxiety and depression, but I am working through it.

If you suffer from anxiety or depression, keep your head up. There is always a solution and a way you can keep moving forward. It is NOT easy. It’s okay to ask for help, to open up and say “hey I can’t come tonight because I am feeling really anxious”. TELL PEOPLE why you aren’t responding or coming out, tell them you need them, tell them what’s going on. I promise you, not all of us are bad. Some people will surprise you, and come over just to be with you and watch tv in your bed or wherever you are comfortable.

I can’t wait to have my security of my fiance home. It’s been a tough few months without him, but with good friends and honest friendships, and by the Grace of God, I have made it this far and I have faith I can make it through the end of deployment.

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